The death, the dying process - the transitoriness (Part 2)

Often, when we talk about death, we also talk about the dying process, the mourning and everything else that happens. Sometimes we philosophize about what will happen when it comes to an end, but the only thing we can really relate to is our experience.

I had a wonderful, but tragic phone call with Nele, her grandmother passed away recently.

 And it was out of a sudden. No one would have expected it, she didn't make a fragile impression on anyone with her seventy-two years.

Dealing with the loss is pretty hard, but Nele has some level-headed attitudes about the subject.

 

Why Nele and I spoke on the phone at all was because she got in touch with me in response to my posting on Instagram asking if there was anyone who would like to talk to me about death.

I started writing about death when my grandmother was still alive. Also the phone call with Nele was before that. Now she is no longer alive for a few weeks and I wonder how my attitude to the topic of death, transience and loss has changed, insofar as one can have an attitude to it at all.

The telephone conversation with Nele touched me very much, because she spoke so calmly and bravely about this situation. She told me how she felt and where she was when she knew her grandmother was dead. I asked her how she was grieving, if she was actively grieving or if she had even entered the grieving stage. She told me that she got together with her family a lot, that's where they talked. While everyone dealt with the loss differently, there was the space to talk about it. At first it all felt like a movie, her dearest grandmother was dead, the impressions of seeing her body in the hospital, then laid out once again, that all seemed hard. And it was for Nele, too. Yet she spoke so warmly about her grandmother, about how much joy and love she spread, about memories and objects. Nele spoke so strongly about all this happening that this conversation took away my fear of losing my own grandmother. In fact, Nele also said that it would have helped her to see her grandmother a second time in her dead state, but this time beautifully prepared. Laying out people has a long tradition, not only in our German, Christian culture. The laying out, just like the funeral is a way for relatives to say goodbye, also a way to acknowledge the loss and face the pain that comes with it and to bless the life of a living being, that no longer is.

I value life very much, and I am glad that my grandmother fell asleep peacefully at the age of ninety. I have respect for all those who lose people and struggle through the pain, who can make peace even though it sometimes seems impossible. I don´t think loss will ever be easy. But I realize that loss also can bring some other form of connection. In the case of Nele, it was her grandfather, that got more soft and showed his feelings, which was not usual for him. In my case I feel like I am very close to my grandmother and for some reason, she feels not far away, even though I can´t call her anymore.

There is light in the tragedy, there is peace beyond pain, maybe that’s what I surely know for myself now.