The death, the dying process - the transitoriness (Part 1)

 

The death, the dying process - the transitoriness

 

Part 1

Many articles, books, movies, reports are full of the topic of death and dying, or transience. These topics can be approached scientifically, as well as philosophically, but one thing is clear: we will all experience it ourselves one day. And the first thing that it probably triggers in some is: fear.

A justified one, a real one, but nevertheless one that can be overcome. At least that is my own determination, my own experience.

 While I will write about this topic in several parts in the following articles, I would first like to talk about my personal experiences, findings and feelings on this subject.

Now that my beloved grandmother, who is so close to me, is in the hospice, I am experiencing a natural dying process which is positive in the sense that she is well cared for and I have the feeling that she is doing well there. Nevertheless, it is hard for me to say goodbye, because I know the loss is still ahead of me. Nonetheless, her dying process feels natural, even peaceful.

I got a different feeling about death last year when an old friend died of cancer. That she was torn from life so suddenly was hard for me to understand. I still don't to this day.

Even before that, I thought a lot about death. From several points of view.

It cannot be avoided. But after this death, it was mainly the feelings about life that changed. Feelings of eternal loss, a huge incomprehensibility, but also a fear, because this really happens. We die. Some of us young. And that, among other things, was a thought that troubled me because it didn't make sense to me. My grandmother is ninety years old and I can tell by the look on her face, it's okay, even time for her to go. Her body and mind are so slowly closing down on life as it is. My old friend was twenty-one, she had her whole life ahead of her, as they always say. And the fact that it happened so hard, so mercilessly, shook my emotional world very much. And also the certainty her family, her closest friends, her partner would now forever miss this adorable girl, that wears you down. Being more emotionally distant, I was able to get through the grieving process well. I wonder how it is with close relatives, in general? (I will deal with this in the second part in which I will include the fates of those affected and how they deal with it and try to reflect their emotional world as sensitively as possible) You can ask yourself how you overcome such pain, whether you do that at all and if so, what has helped you personally? There was also a time - fortunately only a short period of my life so far - when I longed for death. So the opposite of fear of death, more the striving for redemption. That was the low point of my depression.

Death was always present in my depressive episodes, no matter how severe they were. "The death" told me on some days how nice and cozy it was not to be, he was a support for me. Yes grotesquely, it was a relief for me to know, "When it gets to be too much, there is always an exit."

But there was also the panic, which then played against death. The sudden and situational irrational fear to die: "Oh no, Now is the time" Panic attacks or small hypochondriac attacks happened to me from time to time, too. HELP! I have cancer! I googled it!

Sometimes it scares me to die, sometimes less, sometimes it scares me to be "dead", to be practically "non-existent", sometimes I am more worried about the pain, the suffering.

But I am grateful that we are all subject to this law of nature, that no one knows what will come and that the limitation of our life, it also makes it precious, right?